PATHOS OF HEALTH GONE AWRY - MAY 2004

I.
Memories frozen by time
buried in the archives of my mind.
Latent threads of memories
bloom into a tapestry
of yesteryear’s journal.
Awaken in stillness of the recovery room
alone -
soft murmur wisp thru rolls of empty bed.
Were the patients discharged
or carted off to the cold-cold room?
The brotherhood of survivors –
under the knife
lament your hasty departure
vacating your empty shell
exiled thru the mysterious portal
of perpetual silence.
Your departure was in such haste
no ululation or elegies were sung
nor poems read or composed
to nourish your departing soul.
An empty embrace
and dry tear drops linger
on your trail of traceless dust.
“Pax Vobiscum”.

II,
Finger tips gently trace the suture
all body parts intact
no surgical residue implanted.
Anesthesia surreptitiously
has stolen part of my day
and left me in a state of haze.
Am I in limbo the surreal world beyond?
The rhythm of life in sync
with circadian beat
body warm as sun baked sand
finger tips gently touch all body parts
searching for forensic evidence
of medical malfeasance.

III.
Mental skirmishes in Pre-Op room.
A sea of anonymous faces this morn
seek asylum in their isolation booth
shielding their turmoil within
but mirror flitting imagery of apprehension.
A few brazenly exhibit false bravado
subliminal message is written in their eyes.
Delta stared into an illusion buried in the floor.
Alpha was writhing in pain
boring into the unyielding chair.
Beta hugs her loved bosom refusing to let go.
Solemnity permeates the tranquil room
none dare break - the secure present
all waiting - waiting
to be ushered to the slaughter room.
I wore a benign mask void of emotions.
Empty your mind and free the burden
easier said then done
apprehension flows in and out
like shifting tide
what if abounds -
history of medical malpractices.
Leave your baggage at the door
easier said then done.

IV.
Seething with mental anguish
a silent cry thunders
resonating thru fragile walls.
An inner voice echoes
why me - why me?
Internalizing painful failures
mental flagellation of self
inflicting festering-wounds of guilt
for youthful indiscretions
sins of negligence
or retribution for dastardly deeds.
Divine intervention?
DNA running amok
or treading thru minefields of diet?

V.
Death my allusive adversary and companion
the horrid specter stood sentry over the gloom
haunting the void in my mind.
Fiery thorns burn within my bowel
neural substrate pulsating rhythmically
oh it’s so cold
the pain will pass -
the pain will pass.
Candle light flickers in the deeming light.
The pain did not pass
shadow was waiting in the wing
ready to take flight.
“No pain no gain” does not apply
when the body cries.
Listen
“listen to the body”
the pain
heed the pain.
“Mea culpa”.

VI
The miracles of antibiotics
and opiate that dull the senses
liberates the waning soul.
Angel of doom has taken flight
leaving a fist full of pikaki
to be woven into a fragrant lei.
Postpone my final Aloha.
Events not momentous
but mere obstacles along the road
a medical necessity
a minor inconvenience
a brief interlude
an unwanted sojourn.
Another milestone to be posted
in the darkness of my pit.
These trivia will soon be forgotten
like a fading dream
an unwanted memory.

VII.
Along path of life’s journey
trails three surgical scars
ruptured appendices - cancer - hernia.
These hidden symbols
unwanted souvenirs
are memorial to health gone awry.
Hold off unsolicited awards
no more trumpet calls
no more badges
no more symbols
to be etched on my wall.

These scars are badges
emblazoned on once youthful landscape.
Eight decades transpired
hasten by spent youth and muscular atrophy
turned sculptured marble
to soft downy pillow
sinew limbs to wrinkle bark
and sagging flesh.
Noisy crickets infest my joints
and termites gnaw my bones.
Confined in a cage
third lumbar rages
pleading for freedom
from bondage of pain.
Sadistic sciatic-nerve
repeatedly zap my calf with a taser
excessive force will be reported to SJPD.
Fragmented memories or thoughts
lost in the labyrinth of my gulag
“Search Engine” repeatedly fails
shackled by progression of time.

VIII.
The “Golden Years” - a conundrum
have long arrived and soon will depart
leaving unfulfilled promises
and a legacy of pain.
Return my “Golden Years”
blissful years that endures time
unencumbered with anxiety
and free from frailties of time.
The intrusive arrogance of time intercedes.
“Time - the subtle thief of youth”.
Time - the insidious assassinator of aged.

IX.
Eternal quest for bliss
a nirvana free from pain
a sanctum - where time is not measured
and day never ends.
To bathe in rays of youthful pleasures.
Skinny dipping in the ocean’s womb
of warm primordial bath
and be reborn to ageless time.
Hedonist reverie
of chasing rainbow across the sky
for a pocket full of empty dreams.
Yet
we dare dream a dreamer’s dream
the eternal quest goes on - and on.

X.
Closing chapter of life cycle nears.
Drumbeats echo within the chamber
march to the footsteps of the beat
move on - move on to the beat.
The end game is in the distant
there are miles and miles to go
with bumps along the road
as high as hill or shallow as rill.
“Follow your bliss” to the very end.
It’s not time to fall.
It’s not time to fall.